Enough

I've been on the antidepressant my doctor prescribed for almost a month now, and I have to say, I HATE it. The two main purposes of this medication are to relieve depression and to relieve anxiety. I feel like it's CAUSING both. I've had occasional bad days before, but never this often, and not this bad. And I've never had issues with anxiety before. Sitting in church yesterday was almost torture for me. We sat in pretty much the very middle of the crowded chapel. The normal me wouldn't have thought anything of it, but yesterday it was terrible for me. I don't know if it was just me, but it seemed like the longer the meeting went, the louder the room got, and the noise was oppressive. To make it worse, I felt a constant pressure pushing in on me. It was like I was being compressed and I could hardly breathe. Sunday School wasn't quite as bad as it was a smaller group in the gym, but it was still hard. I had to leave Relief Society early (which was a huge relief) because Tyler was giving a talk in Primary, but the primary room almost did me in completely. I was a mess by the time we got home. Even in smaller gatherings this week, I had a very difficult time being in large groups. At a movie night with some women in the ward, I couldn't sit in a room with 10 other women to watch a movie. It was too confined with too many people. Anxiety is a completely new experience for me, and I do not enjoy it at all. Add in that this is the most depressed I think I've ever felt, and you can guess I'm pretty miserable right now.

In general I think antidepressants are a great thing and a much needed help for a lot of people, but I don't think it's what I need, at least not right now. Fortunately I have an appointment this afternoon to talk to my doctor about this. Hopefully I come back with good news!


UPDATE:
Of course my doctor immediately took me off the offending medication I was on. She was amazed I stayed as long as I did on it. She'd never seen it cause anxiety to the degree I had it. It is a known side effect of the drug, but a very very rare one. She's given me something new to try instead, but is starting me on just half a dose for now. It'll also take a few days to come down off the old medication, but within a week I should be feeling MUCH better. If I don't, she wants to see me again. I didn't sleep quite as well on the new medication, but I woke up already feeling a bit less anxiety. Not a lot, but some. And every little bit helps. And once the old medication is out of my system, I can increase my new one to a full dose if I'm not sleeping enough. So things should be getting much better!

By request

A few pics from Pearls and Gloves:

This is me with Melody, holding the carebear that represented Deborah.

Mel is quite talented at self portraits. :)

We took off our gloves to eat dinner.

I thought this was pretty cool...

Last night's Enrichment night had something so cool, I had to tell y'all about it.

One thing I don't have in my emergency supplies is a way to cook. I don't even have a camp stove. Last night I learned about a really simple and easy way to solve that problem. You need just 4 things; an empty gallon size paint can, an empty quart size paint can, a quart of rubbing alcohol, and a roll of toilet paper. You smush the toilet paper to get it through the hole in the smaller paint can, then pour the entire bottle of rubbing alcohol into it. It'll take a little time for the toilet paper to absorb it, but it will take the entire bottle of alcohol. You then seal the paint can. Punch holes in the larger can around the top and bottom (for ventilation) then seal the smaller can inside the larger one. When it comes time to use it, open up both cans, put the smaller can onto the lid of the larger can, light the alcohol, then cover it with the larger can to give you a cooking surface. Apparently it's hot enough to boil water within half an hour. The heat coming through the holes punched in it is enough to warm you, and to roast pretty much anything you might toast over a fire. It lasts 6-8 hours, and can be replenished just by adding more rubbing alcohol. How easy is that? And if you have the storage space for just a can of paint, you have a makeshift stove!

Great weekend!

It would be silly for me to not blog about my weekend. It was great!

First off, this is just a silly thing, but it was important to me. In my piano lessons, we've been working on Fur Elise. There are two parts that have been giving me trouble, but this week Ashton was able to walk me through one of them, and in practicing the other with him there, I was able to figure out what I was doing wrong on the other one! I'm still not anywhere close to perfect, but at least I know what I've been doing wrong and can try to correct it. I love when a light bulb goes on in my head like that! That's my fizzy joy for this post.

My main event for the weekend was going out to a play with some friends. My friend Melody started a little group she calls Pearls and Gloves. We dress in black dresses and wear (you guessed it) pearls and gloves and go see local plays. The plan is to do a combination of full blown professional stuff in Seattle and smaller local stuff, but the idea is to support the theater. We had our very first outing Saturday night. We went to Everett to see a local production of Guys and Dolls. How is it I've never even seen this movie? How did I not know A Bushel and a Peck was from this musical? or Luck be a Lady? They're songs I grew up with and yet never knew their origins. Our night out was so much fun! Our original dinner plans ended up not working (Wait, we're in Everett? We passed Lynwood??) so we went to Olive Garden to eat. The food was excellent. The play itself was very well done. I was impressed. The actress playing Sarah Brown seemed a touch old for the roll, but she sang VERY well. We got pelted with eggs (plastic ones with candy or dice in them) and the band came walking down the stairs through the audience. It was well cast, well acted, and well sung. Overall I was impressed. We're planning on returning to that theater to see Annie in February. But our next definite outing will be Into the Woods at the 5th Ave. Theater in Seattle in November. As good as all of that was, really the best part was the company. This is a remarkable group of women and I am incredibly lucky to count them as friends. We had such a great time mostly because of each other! (But we REALLY missed Deborah who had a family medical emergency and couldn't make it.) Ok, that's my other fizzy joy for this post. :D

Then came Sunday. For just the third time in my life, I was asked to substitute for Relief Society. (I was also asked 3 separate times to substitute in Primary this week alone as well!) Normally that's something I like to do, but this time I was STRESSED over it. I didn't have the time I needed to prepare the way I wanted. Right before Relief Society was supposed to start, you would have found me pacing the halls shaking like a leaf. I can't remember ever being that nervous before! Fortunately it went well. The women seemed responsive, asked good questions, and made insightful remarks. It was a great lesson. But I came home absolutely exhausted!

That was my fantastic weekend. :)

Where are my sisters?? None of them have been on in forever!

It's Done!!

It's official. My back yard is fenced in once again. After losing a huge chunk of our fence to winter storms, my very handy husband and our neighbor have succeeded in getting it all repaired and replaced. No more stray dogs, no more bratty neighbor kids, no more unwelcomed visitors in my back yard. It took a while because we had to work around weather (pouring cement in the rain doesn't work) and schedules (8:00 PM in the dark doesn't work either), but it's done now. And it looks great! Scott and Randy did a fantastic job; better than the original builders in fact. I think I'm really lucky to have a husband who is able to do these kinds of repairs. They did it for about 5% of the estimate we got when we looked into having it fixed by a contractor. Well done, gentlemen!!

Sunday Post

Today may have been one of my favorite sacrament meetings ever. Instead of the usual speakers you'd expect to hear, the meeting was opened up to the congregation, sort of like a testimony meeting, but instead of bearing our testimonies, we could request to sing a particular verse of any hymn in the hymn book. Most people would give a short explanation of why they chose that hymn or what it meant to them before we sang it, so it became a meeting filled with testimony and a very strong spirit. There is so much truth and love in the hymns, and being able to sing so many of them was a really beautiful experience. It was a little surprising to me what was chosen. When one sister asked to sing the third verse of If You Could Hie To Kolob, I was really surprised. I didn't think anyone but the Sauters knew that hymn! It was really a very special spirit in that room, and I am so grateful I was there today to experience it. In case you're wondering, I did go up and ask for a particular hymn. It was really tough for me to pick just one hymn. There are so many hymns that I love and wanted to sing. For most of the meeting I was leaning towards Lead Kindly Light, but couldn't decide on one verse over another. Ultimately I chose the 4th verse of hymn #86; How Great Thou Art. If I were ever required to choose just one verse of one hymn that was truly my favorite, this is it.

When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation,

And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart.

Then I shall bow in humble adoration

And there proclaim "My God, how great thou art."

Then sings my soul, my Savior God, to Thee

How great Thou art! How great Thou art!

Then sings my soul, my Savior God, to Thee

How great Thou art! How great Thou art!

Green Thumb wanna be

The Prophet said to plant a garden.

Oh won't you plant a garden too,

and share the many joys

a garden brings in health and love

to happy girls and boys!

My "playgroup" on Thursday was at my house. It was a beautiful day so we worked outside. One of the things we did was to clear out the area I used for a garden last year. I hadn't touched it at all since last year, so it was pretty overrun with weeds. But we got it all cleared out! It's a bit late in the season to be planting seeds, so I bought a few actual plants to transplant into my newly cleared garden. I'm kind of excited at the prospects. If it all goes well, I'll have zucchini, cucumber, tomatoes, bell peppers, eggplant and watermelon! I hope they all survive the transplant process and give me some decent results. If so, next year I'm clearing out an even larger area and adding onions, peas and cantelope to my garden. I hate the work of the garden, specifically the weeding, but I sure love having home grown fruits and vegetables to eat. They just taste better. And the price of produce has gotten so high, I think a little work is worth the effort. Anyone know what it takes to grow jicama? And I'm thinking about asking Scott how he feels about planting apple trees...

Side Effects

Ok, I've been on this new medication for a few days now and I'm not sure I'm noticing any change as far as the real reason I'm taking it, but I'm definitely noticing some of the side effects. I'm having occasional dizzy spells. They're not major, but they come from time to time. Also, I'm dried out. Dry mouth hardly covers how it feels. If I don't have a glass of water by me, I'm not happy. And I'm hungry! I see why they use this to treat eating disorders. This is not a good medication for someone trying to lose weight. I can't seem to stop eating. I'm as bad as my kids; almost the minute I'm done eating a meal, I'm wondering what I'm going to have for a snack. I am definitely not enjoying this particular side effect. The good news is I do seem to be sleeping a bit better. In fact, every day seems a little better than the last as far as my sleeping goes. I guess I'll give it a few more days and see how I feel then.

Huh...

After quite a bit of prodding from Scott, I finally went in to see my doctor about my insomnia. I'm not quite sure what I expected, but it wasn't this. After talking about my symptoms and what I've done to help (like not reading in bed, giving up caffeine, and exercising regularly), she decided I didn't need a sleep aid. Instead she prescribed an antidepressant. I can't decide how I feel about this. I'm not sure I would have said I'm depressed. But she may be right; this may be the elephant in the room I've been ignoring. At this point I'm just not sure what to think. It's the same antidepressant I was on for a month in college, so I know I won't have any weird side effects, and I know it'll help me sleep. I guess there's just such a big difference between taking an occasional sleep aid and being on a daily dose of antidepressants that I'm having a hard time adjusting to it. This isn't what I expected to happen.

The one part of this that made me laugh was reading what else this medicine is used for. Here are a couple highlights;
bedwetting in children
migraine headaches
chronic pain
eating disorders
OCD
panic attacks
premature ejaculation

Sounds like just what I need! :P

Lesson Time!

Becca was in charge of the lesson for FHE last night. I asked her several times during the week when she wanted to work on her lesson, and she told me every time that she didn't need my help. She was sure she wanted to do it herself. She also kept telling me it was going to be "so cool, Mom." Being the independent girl she is, I decided for once I'd let her do it herself. Maybe I should have pushed her a bit harder. Our lesson was on...

...toilet paper. Yep, an entire lesson on toilet paper. Somehow she missed that the lessons are supposed to be spiritual in nature. But she'd planned her lesson, so we let her do it. When she went over the different ways of wiping your bottom (demonstrating over her pants), I couldn't help myself. I laughed. A lot. She'd actually put some thought into her lesson. We also talked about other uses for toilet paper (like wiping noses and cleaning mirrors), as well as things not to do with it (like playing with it, leaving it around the house, and cleaning trees with it). Little Becca did her very first solo lesson, and she was as proud as can be of herself. :) It's times like these that make me LOVE being a Mom.

Check it out!

Since I'm one who rarely looks at what other people have linked to their blogs, I'm sure none of you look at mine either. There's a real gem out there I want to make you all aware of. My friend Deborah has a blog all about the amazing food she cooks. When we hear Deb is bringing food to any gathering we have, we all start to cheer and drool. She's amazing. Y'all should check out her blog, and tell your friends. Everyone should have the goodness of Deborah, but since you can't have her (lucky me), you can at least read her blog and try out her recipes. I particularly recommend her trifle and spinach artichoke dip. Oh, and you have to try the cheesecake fruit dip. It's heaven! :)

Let's all share the goodness that is Deborah!

http://deborahsw.blogspot.com/

Mothers Day

As with my birthday, my family did more for me this Mothers Day than they've done before. I chalk it up to my kids being older and more involved.

My morning started at about 7:30 with Tyler plopping a bowl on my tummy and telling me I get breakfast in bed. He decided I should have a bowl of cereal so he took the crumbs from the bottom of the bag of shredded wheat and poured in my (expired) milk. My kids drink 2% milk, but I drink nonfat, so he was being so good by using my milk. He had no idea it was sour. It was such a sweet gesture.

Scott then went downstairs and let the kids know Mommy wanted to sleep in a little bit, so they needed to be quiet and leave me alone. They did. About 9:00 they came up with my second breakfast in bed; peanut butter toast and pineapple juice. It was very good. They also came up with gifts; a beautiful, bright spring bouquet of flowers, a cute balloon, some sugar free candy, and a poem and recipe holder Rachel made at school. It was all very wonderful.

At church, instead of the usual mums or pansies we're given, our ward gave out pies. Yes, pies. Full size 9 inch apple pies. I was impressed.

When we got home from church, I got to sit on the couch and watch a movie with my kids while Scott made dinner. He did a great job of it, and he did a full on dinner. He made a roast, baked potatoes with all the fixings, and asparagus. It was all delicious. And with the apple pie, dessert was covered! Of course, you can't eat pie without ice cream, so we pulled out my new ice cream maker I got from Mom for my birthday and made homemade ice cream to go with it!

It was a very nice Mothers Day for me. My family really made sure I felt loved and appreciated.

Happy Birthday to me!

Yes, the candles say 21, but really I'm 31 today. Between Activity Days, gymnastics, and my normal busy day I'm not sure we have time to celebrate today, but it is my birthday. So happy birthday to me!

A Mommy First

Today was the first time I've ever had to take one of my children into the emergency room. Rachel was riding her bike and fell down, splitting her chin open. It required 4 stitches. (The stitches are blue, something she's not happy about as blue is a BOY color.) She was incredibly brave through it, even though she said she was sure she wasn't that brave. She did NOT want to go in, and was sure stitches just weren't for her, thank you very much. She was actually fine when we could get her distracted. She played with a little magnetic table with sand and frogs for quite a while in the waiting room, and even worked a word search with me. It was only when a medical professional came near her that she got scared. When it was just us, she was happy and laughing and cheerful as can be! I did take a couple pictures with my cell phone (who would think to bring their real camera to the ER?), but I'm just too tired to deal with that tonight. I'll try to get them up tomorrow so you can see the injury. It wasn't pretty.
It was a long evening, but she's fine, and the stitches will come out in about 5 days. Hopefully the scar isn't too bad! Overall, my first ER trip probably could have been a lot worse. And she was wearing her helmet which I'm sure saved her from a worse injury.

Besides the injury to Rachel, the worst part of this was the 5 hours I lost in preparing my talk for church tomorrow! That's why I'm still up at 2:00 in the morning. But my talk is printing as I type. Now I just have to stay awake long enough to give it! Wish me luck.

Here are the pics:

My Not Date Night

Last night was supposed to be date night with Scott. We'd been planning it for a while. The original idea was miniature golf, but with my arm being the way it is, that was obviously out. We ultimately decided on dinner and a movie. But I had a bunch of girlfriends doing a movie night that I was supposed to be a part of, so we decided we'd stop by that before we went out. I talk about these girls all the time, but Scott doesn't really know them and he wanted to be able to put faces to names. Or so he said.

I walked in to find not movie night, but a surprise birthday party for ME! I was SHOCKED. I had no idea. And it wasn't just a party with the girls, they invited people from all areas of my life, getting them all together in one place. It was an amazing night. The food was excellent, the company even better, and the activities of the night were hilarious. I had an amazing time. But most importantly, I feel loved and appreciated by an incredible group of people. This is a huge change from a year ago where I didn't really have any friends to invite to a birthday party. I have amazing friends. And I am incredibly touched by all the effort and love that went into planning last night. My birthday is still a few days away, but already this is the best birthday I've ever had.

I don't get it.

I'm curious about something. When did women become PROUD of being irrational and difficult? When did that become something admirable? I have a friend who posted something about women and the "funny" things they do, like when they say "fine" it means they're right, they just want you to shut up and "that's OK" means she's just still thinking about what your punishment is going to be. There were several things on this list, all of which were negative female stereotypes. Within minutes of her posting it, three more female friends posted it as well. They think it's funny. Perhaps my discomfort and lack of sleep are restricting my sense of humor, but I didn't find it funny. I found it embarrassing, mostly for the women who take pride in being that kind of woman. I recognize women in general have their shortcomings, and I probably more than most. But instead of doing something to make that better, most women I know seem to enjoy being able to get away with their irrational and silly behavior because "it's what women do." I don't understand taking pride in shortcomings. I don't understand celebrating irrationalities. If we as women enjoy and promote our faults, how will we ever improve? If we laugh at our failings, who does that help? And what are we teaching the next generation of girls if we applaud this kind of behavior? Perhaps I'm ranting over nothing and I need to lighten up. I just don't understand celebrating such negative behavior.

OK, rant over. :)

Ouch

Friday night I started having a slight ache in my right arm. It wasn't bad, just a twinge when I'd reach behind me. It was still around on Saturday, but it still was just an occasional twinge of pain. But it's been steadily growing. I now have a pretty constant ache from my elbow almost up to my shoulder with some pretty painful shoots going through it when I try to do simple things like brush my hair or get dressed or even little things like opening my refrigerator or trying to lift something. I don't even have to do anything to feel it, I just have to move my arm around. I couldn't sleep much last night because there wasn't a position I could lay in that didn't cause my arm to ache. I hate my doctor and am trying to avoid going in to see her, but I feel like I'm slowly losing the use of my arm. Any thoughts? What could be causing it and what can I do about it?

UPDATE:
The pain got to the point of being debilitating, so I sucked it up and went to my doctor. When I can't even wash my hair or put on deodorant without crying out in pain, it's time to do something. I can do a lot left handed, but I can't do everything and my right arm was almost useless. Fortunately for me MY doctor wasn't available for 2 weeks, so I saw someone else. She was fantastic. After a very thorough exam, she determined I have multiple micro tears all along my tricep muscle. It makes using it at all very painful. You have to use your tricep in almost everything you do with your arm, but using it causes more tears and prevents the old ones from healing. So I'll have my arm in a sling off and on for the next week and I got some pretty nice pain medication to get me through until it heals. It's a relief to know it's something so simple, and as soon as my ibuprofen kicks in, I'm sure I'll be much happier. And I have Vicodin for night time so I may actually get to sleep tonight!

Welcome Connor!

Connor James Carnegie was born yesterday at about 5:30 pm, weighing in at a nice 7 pounds 11 ounces and measuring a bit over 20 inches long. He is the first child for his very excited parents. We are all thrilled to welcome a new member to the family! And my kids are so happy to have a brand new cousin, even if it is another boy.

Is it a play group or a work group?

I was invited to join a rather interesting (for lack of a better term) play group this week. There are only 4 women in the group at a time, and we get together once a week, alternating houses. The idea is to get women with similar aged children so they can play together, but while the kids play, the women work. Today we met at Heather's house. We finished painting her kitchen, washed windows, cleaned her refrigerator, swept floors, vacuumed, and hung a painting. And we were only there for 2 hours. It's amazing how much faster everything goes with help, and there were only three of us there today! (One of them has a very sick mother.) And I was surprised at how much fun it could be to clean out someone else's refrigerator. It doesn't seem quite so much like work when you get to do it with great people working along side you. The group is limited to four so that we each get the group at our house once a month to help with whatever it is we need done. You only have to commit for a month at a time, but you're welcome to be in the group as long as you like. I don't actually know these women yet since they were all in the ward before the change, but I have to imagine I'll get to know them all very well very quickly. Now I just have to come up with projects that will take 4 women 2 hours to do! Any thoughts?

Better

I went back to Fantastic Sam's last night and the manager there attempted to help with my awful cut. The result is better. It's still much shorter than I wanted, and I still have the bangs I didn't want, but at least the layers are even and well blended. I'm not in love with this cut, but I don't feel like it's so terrible anymore.

Sorry, Angela, I didn't get a picture before I left to get it fixed. I called them as soon as I got off the phone with you and she said if I could get in before they closed, she could fix it right away so I rushed off to get it fixed. But I will take a picture later today so you can see the end result. Good enough?

Ok, here's the picture! And yes Scott, I colored it again last night as well, so it's a much darker red than it used to be.