Who am I?

I've been having some random thoughts over the past couple of weeks that I'm going to try to put into something cohesive here on my blog. I've been trying to figure out who I am.

I've thought a lot about who other people think I am. I've recently reconnected with a couple people from high school, and they still sort of think of me as the person I was then, a dozen years ago. To a certain extent, my family still thinks of me as that person as well. I suppose it's normal to think of someone as the person they were when you last spent large amounts of time with them. It's hard to see how a person has changed when you don't get to spend much, or any, time with them. But I've also been thinking about how my current friends think of me, and I realize that they would all probably say something different about me. Who I am sort of depends on who you ask.

I've also been thinking a little about what image I portray to people, and how much of that is who I really am, how much of it is what others expect me to be, and how much of it is what I think they want me to be. Where is the line between who I really am and what people see because it's what they want or expect to see? And how much of who other people think I am comes from their own limited boundaries of how they see me? I think people get uncomfortable when we do something or act in a way that doesn't agree with how they see us. Knowing that, how much do I conform to other people's expectations?

I know that most people do a lot of things, but most people also are best known for one or two things they do particularly well. Is that a byproduct of our need to be able to label people, or our inability to see nuances in people? Or is it natural to be known best for one or two things you do particularly well? And what about people like me who don't do anything particularly well? I'm not saying I'm talentless. In fact, I think I do a lot of things. But because I do several things, I don't do any one of them very well. So where does that leave me? If we don't have a "thing" to be known for, do we just fade into anonymity? Are we less important or valuable if we don't have one thing to be known for?

I know I have been guilty of expressing more interest than I really feel in something because it's an interest of a person I'm with. It could be seen as simply showing interest in another person and what they like, but I fear it's more likely a form of conformity. I want to feel like I have something in common with this person, so let's find something we can connect and bond over. But again, that blurs the lines between who I really am and who I'm seen as by other people.

I read a quote recently that sort of resonated with me. It said, "Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are." I completely believe that. I am of value just the way I am, right? I shouldn't have to pretend to be able to bond with someone. I shouldn't be forced to conform to someone else's preconceived notions of who I am. I should be able to be me, the real me, the whole me, no matter where I am or who I'm with. So why is it so hard to do that? And what if I don't really know who I am? The same person I quoted above also said, "I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not." I wish I could live by that sentiment. I wish I had the courage to be just me in every circumstance. But I feel the need to conform. I feel the need to be accepted. I want to be me, the real me, and nothing but me in every circumstance I'm in. But I also want to be loved and appreciated. Where is that line and how do I find the balance? Who am I really? I'm not sure I know.